We want our independence but we have no idea what we’re talking about. Or what we really want for that matter.
We want to move out. Get real jobs. We long for space, financial security. Yet we’re really just looking to move our dependence from our parents to another person: a partner, a spouse, a fiancé, a friend. We can’t stand the implications of independence. We can’t stand being alone.
I’m learning independence. I’m learning alone. Not aloneness as loneliness but as I’m okay-hanging-out-by-myself-ness.
New church- alone. Road trips- alone. Weddings/parties/shindigs- alone. Well, I have been counting my iPhone as my “plus one” these days.
Most of the time, it’s stifling, almost paralyzing. New places & people bringing out social anxiety that I never knew that I had. Overtaken by questions of who I am, how I act, what I say.
However, there have been times, especially lately, that this alone-ness has been subtly liberating. Strangely comfortable. No one to impress, no expectations to live up to, no mask to wear. Just me. Little ole, always the same me.
I’m realizing that I’ve been living under this darkened cloud, this craving for a false self-fulfillment. Pretending that I want things I don’t, yearning after that which I don’t have.
As I write this, I realize that this is all one giant layers of hypocrisy piled ontop of one another. Heck, I am just one big heap of hypocrisy.
We were created for dependence. We are not self-sufficient.
We are needy. I am needy. I need Jesus.
Whichever. Any and all of the above.
So, today I am thankful for my dependence. That I am fully know & somehow, in all that knowing, fully loved & lavished upon with grace after grace.